The Worst Writer in the World
Is that title a bit dramatic? Maybe, but the sad truth is that's sometimes how I feel.
See, I've been writing since 2018 and for all that time I've put into it I have literally nothing to show for it. I've never gotten a book traditionally published, never publish one myself, never even posted one online.
But you want to know what the actual saddest thing about all of this is? I can't even say that I've tried any of those options, and I've written five novels in the last eight years! The reasons for this is simple, I'm afraid. I start writing a book convinced that it's going to be the one that will push me into the publishing world, and then when I get to the end of it my brain completely turns against me. I suddenly can't see my idea for what it once was, I think my writing is awful, I think that I'm awful, and I think that I should give up before I prove to the world that I'm a failure.
Does that sound like a fun place to be in? Hell no! And yet I've found myself there time and time again. It's my own personal roller coaster of torment that I can't get off of, and the worst part is I don't even know if I want to. Because the truth is, if I keep myself from trying to get to that next step, then I'll never get rejected from it. Those books I've written can still be hidden gems that no one has seen yet. I can still be one of those mystical authors that isn't discovered until their family finds hundred of unpublished works after their death (I'm looking at you Emily Dickinson)!
It's clear to me now that these are fantasies that just aren't real. If I want success I have to go for it, I can't keep hiding behind my ego as a way to protect myself. I'm coming up on my ten year anniversary since I started writing, and I for one would like to finally have something to show for it, and if not to show for it, then to at least be able to say that I tried.
That's where you come in dear reader. I'm going to use this blog to give you updates on my writing progress every Tuesday as a way to hold myself accountable, and maybe, if you're experiencing the same thing, to let you know you're not alone.
As of right about now I'm about halfway through my SIXTH novel (seriously I have a problem) and this one I'm going to take it all the way. No more self sabotage, no more convincing myself I'm not good enough, I'm going to leave that stuff up to the professionals! I'm ready to do better and grow by putting my most vulnerable self out there.
So maybe a title change is necessary. How about this one?
The Worst Writer in the World (For now...)
Seems fitting to me. It's little sinister, but also a little hopeful.
I'll check in again next Tuesday with a real progress report on how my weeks worth of writing has gone and anymore insights into this crazy journey I'm on. If you have any helpful advice to lend me about imposter syndrome, writers block, or any of this madness I'd love to hear from you. For now I'm going to get a haircut, play with my cat, and make myself a lot of spaghetti.
Ta-ta for now!
M
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