Caitlyn Clambake vs. The Kilowatt Klepto

By Mitchell Hoyle

If there was one thing Caitlyn was damn good at it was ensuring Lady Justice’s dues were always paid. After all, there was truly no higher calling. God, the thrill she would feel stalking the courtroom like a panthress, mouthing off criminal scum while her legal team told her to “sit down” and “stop making a scene”, that she was “only an articling student.” Ha! Only an articling student… Lawyers always thought they knew the whole story. Thought they had it alllll figured out with their little re-enactments and evidence. 

But they didn’t know Caitlyn at all. Caitlyn was different. She was better. Not only was she an articling student, but she was the Honorary Junior Volunteer Articling Student at Low Light Mental Sharpness Group. Or as she liked to say, she was the HJVASLLMSG. Christ, Caitlyn was a genius. No, she was a poet. No! She was a sex symbol. 

How could it be denied? The proof was right there. When she flashed her official badge, her coworkers melted. They gave her a look of such pure unfiltered jealousy it made her knees weak. After all, who wouldn’t be jealous? Her self laminated, paper badge was immaculate. But still they tried to downplay their envy saying how it “wasn’t official.”

Scum. All of them. They weren’t real servants of Lady Justice. They were money hungry pigs who liked to have arguments for fun. But not Caitlyn. She lived and died by the hand of the law. She’d made the sacred oath at three years old when she fell down that well and came face to face with the golden visage of the Lady herself! The doctors had said it was because of all the lead at the bottom of the well, her parents said she had always been like that, but she knew the truth. And look at her now. She was HJGBHSUNSG for gods sake! Wait, no, that wasn’t right… She was HVSBDVIPERG for gods sake! Damn it, wrong again. Maybe she wasn’t as poetic as she thought… REGARDLESS SHE WAS A GOD DAMN LAWYER! She would never disrespect Lady Justice! Not for nothing! She couldn’t! She wouldn’t! But then… there was him.

It was the coldest Tuesday she’d felt since 2014 when a new case suddenly found its way to her desk. The Kilowatt Klepto. A criminal so feared his story had taken the true crime podcast world by tepid fanfare. Not only had the number of his victims reached the twos, but word of his calling card had headlined the subsection of a blog post one time.

When the victims were out, Kilowatt would ruthlessly burgle their homes, leaving everything in sight with the exception of the batteries. Caitlyn had to hold back the swell of nausea that raced up her throat. Batteries were undoubtedly one of the most expensive and inconvenient things to purchase for a home. And now? His victims had TV remotes unable to change the channel, smoke detectors detecting nothing, a digital thermometer that was unused in the cupboard still left unused in the cupboard only now without batteries. 

This was the case of a lifetime and it had miraculously landed on Caitlyn’s desk. Had it been a mistake? Surely they hadn’t meant to give it to one of the Honorary Senior Volunteer Articling Students… No. This was a marker that they finally recognized her superiority. This was them giving her a big break. 

She was shaking. Like, literally shaking. The trial was in five minutes. There was no way she’d have enough time to prepare… but that was why they picked her. She never prepared. A smug grin pursed her lips. She was going to sewer this criminal scum bag.

Racing to the courtroom she blew down the doors with one swift kick. Only, instead of opening wide the door slammed into the face of a man about to leave. He fell to the floor, the contents of his pockets spilling out and clattering to the floor.

Caitlyn pushed through the door. “Out of my way idiot!” she yelled stepping over his loose items and limp body. Nothing was going to get in her way. Nothing! Not even— batteries?

Their eyes met and she gasped.

It was him. The Kilowatt Kelpto right there on the floor. She’d never been one to get star struck, especially not at work. But with him? How could she not. He was featured in the subsection of a blog post for gods sake!

“Hey,” he said, body thick, lips juicy. “Come here often?”

“Me?” Caitlyn giggled. “Yeah I guess.”

“Rad.” Kilowatt looked her up and down. “That’s a hot badge you have there.”

“Oh this?” She brushed back her hair. “I made it myself. I guess you can say I’m both quirky and not like other girls.”

Kilowatt pouted his lips. “I guess so.”

Caitlyn could hardly breathe. “So do you… come here often?”

He was still pouting his lips. “Only when I’m guilty.”

“Hot,” Caitlyn nodded.

Unfathomably, Kilowatt was still pouting his lips. “What’s your number baby girl?”

Caitlyn didn’t even blink before whipping out her construction paper business card. “When will I see you again?”

He finally stopped pouting his lips. “Depends, you busy in a week?”

“That would be ill advised Ms. Clambake,” the Judge called out from the back of the room. “Mr. Klepto is scheduled for the death penalty next Tuesday.”

Kilowatt started pouting his lips again. “Shoot, looks like I’m double booked babe.”

“Is Friday free?” Caitlyn pressed up against him.

“For you, I’m always free.”

“He’s not Ms. Clambake, he’s literally going to prison,” the Judge said. 

But Caitlyn didn’t care. What was prison? What was the death penalty? Inner court relations weren’t part of the curriculum when she taught herself law. All she knew was that ahead of her, a lifetime of happiness with Kilowatt awaited. Or at the very least, a week.